Sitting here being amazing I started to think my relationship with my body. I haven’t always known how to love it.
This strange compulsion to eat loads really poor quality food as fast as you can, spaced perfectly with water to keep a fluid consistency that is easier to bring up.
Enjoyable. You can’t really enjoy the feeling of eating while your plagued with this uncontrollable guilt.
The satisfaction of throwing your lunch up is probably the closest thing you get to enjoyment with bulimia.
And then no matter how many times you wash your hands you pretty much always smell a little bit like spew… Eww. I know.
I remember taking my top off before I did it to minimise the chances of getting vomit on my clothes, I bent over and lunged my fingers down my throat, I was violently gagging in a bid to get every fucking bit of food up and out.
Then I caught a glimpse of myself in the shower door reflection, tits slapping against the toilet, head inside the bowl, I looked like a withdrawing drug addict, I wasn’t even skinny, which made me feel like I couldn’t pull the “eating disorder” card. I couldn’t even succeed at the eating disorder that clearly had its claws in.
I was kind of chubs and for some reason I had this ingrained belief that if I lost 10kgs all my problems would just flush away with my half digested pasta spew.
My eating disorder convinced me that I didn’t even deserve to have an eating disorder in order to stop me from getting help.
Eating disorders are sneaky little cunts.
Eventually self love creeped in, I was very lucky, I was struck mildly with an eating disorder, self love is strong and steady, it requires time and patience but…..
Self love always wins.
So today as I sit here bum on sand, loving myself sick, letting everyone enjoy the view of my incredibly strong, clever and sexy bod I want to pass on this message to anybody that isn’t engulfed in self love or positive body image yet.
Start small, say one positive thing about your body every day. Your mind will follow your mouth.
You will get there, don’t ever give up on a positive body image, even if you hate the way you look today and feel ashamed of your body today, you might not feel like that tomorrow. One day you might be a totally vain bitch like me who loves every inch of her divine queen body.
Self love always wins.
And don’t forget to upload your bikini pics ☺️💗👑